Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Losing Myself

This is one of my biggest fears.  I feared it when I was pregnant with Evie, and I fear it even more now as I expect my second child.  How do I maintain my own identity while wrapped up in the needs of two other human beings?

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't upset when I found out I was pregnant.  Even though M and I probably would have eventually had more kids, this was very unexpected.  I don't want to sound ungrateful.  I know that there are millions of women (including my own sister) who have struggled with infertility, who would give their left arm for an unexpected pregnancy.  I'm over the shock, and I'm definitely looking forward to the new baby, but I still have doubts.

What if I can't handle two kids?  Some days (like last Friday), I feel like I can't handle the one I already have!!   There are lots of days and weeks when I feel like I don't have any time for myself.  How will I ever get any time with two children?  I resent M because I feel like he doesn't have to sacrifice as much.  Will our marriage be able to handle the addition of another child?  Evie is pretty comfortable as an only child.  How will she deal with this transition to big sister?  Will I still be able to give her enough?

On down days, these thoughts rule my mind.  We can prepare for all of this as much as we'd like, but until this baby arrives, there's no way of knowing what it will be like.  Nothing is ever exactly what you expect it will be.  I just hope that I can keep some shred of myself, and I will be recognizable on the other side.

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