Am I just expecting too much?

Like most working moms, I feel an immense amount of guilt about leaving my daughter at daycare each day.  I bring Evie to a woman's house (we'll call her "Mary Poppins") each day.  While she is there, there are also two other kids full time (a girl who is almost 2 and a boy is almost 3). There is a little boy who is 3 1/2 who is in preschool some days and at Mary's house the other days, and another little girl who just turned 5 who is only there half days after 4K.  Evie LOVES being around the other kids.  Many of them are the children of other teachers that I work with, which is nice too. 

Ms. Poppins is very caring and loving with all of the kids, but I never know how feel about some of the things that she says.  I just can't read her, and it makes me wonder about what is going on all day with all of those kids.  I wonder if they watch too much TV (I know Nick Jr is on most of the day).  I wonder if Evie was in the Exersaucer too much and that's why she didn't crawl until she was over 11 months old.  I wonder if Mary is giving her enough love and attention. 

Do all mothers feel this way about  leaving their child in someone else's care?  Do I just expect too much?

Some days when I pick up Evie, little things confirm that icky feeling in my stomach too.  Last week Tuesday Evie had a little scratch under her eye.  I didn't even notice it, but Mary mentioned that she had had a boo boo earlier in the day.  Because she brought it up, I asked what happened.  (Very nonchalantly, I honestly didn't mean to be accusatory...kids fall down and get bumps and bruises, especially kids like Evie that are mastering the art of walking.)  Her response caught me off guard.  She said, "I don't know."   There was no elaboration at all, just an awkward pause before I said, "Oh, well kids get bumps and bruises.  No biggie." 

Many people probably would just switch daycares if they felt even slightly uneasy, but there are several reasons that I stay with her.  The biggest reason is that Evie always seems happy to go to Mary's house.  She is so excited to see Mary and the other kids that she practically falls out of my arms on the way into the house each morning.  If Mary was really doing a bad job, she wouldn't be that happy, right?

I know that Evie is not in any danger.  I know that Mary is a very capable caregiver.  I know how much Evie loves the other kids there.  I think (like M said at the beginning of the school year) I just won't be happy unless I'm the one taking care of her all day.

Only 7 more months until summer...

Why I Dread Fridays

I coached cheerleading for the past 6 years.  I fell into the job my first year teaching.  The former coach was leaving and someone somehow heard that I was a cheerleader in high school.  That qualified me for the job. 
The first year was rough, and  I wasn't sure if I would coach for a second season.  I'm glad I did though because I had a fresh start with new girls, who were "my" girls. 

In my third season, I started a competition team.  We never did the best, but we sure had fun!!  I was more nervous than most of the girls were when they performed.  I really loved those girls, and I still keep in contact with a couple of them that graduated a few years ago.  Even my most horrible day in my classroom was always better when I could go to cheer practice, have fun, and just forget about everything else for a while. 

I quit after competition season ended in February this year.  The time commitment was just too much.  The season begins in June and ends in late February/early March.  Practices 4 days a week, and games on Fridays during football season.  Practices, games, and competitions all day on Saturday during basketball season.  I actually had to pick Evie up from daycare, to bring her to another babysitter so that I could go to practice.  (My daycare closed before my practices ended.)  She and I got home after 6:00 most nights, and I felt like it was just a rush to eat dinner and put her to bed.  As much as it killed me to quit, I knew that I was making the right decision for her.

Fast forward to Fridays at school.  The past two Fridays I've been miserable.  I see "my" girls in their uniforms, and the football players in their jerseys.  I miss being on the sidelines, I miss riding the bus to away games, I miss spending time with "my" team.  I've even secretly hoped that the new coach (a great girl, fresh out of college like I was when I started) quits so that I can take over again next year. 

Most people look forward to Friday all week, but I'm dreading tomorrow. 

Back to School/Daycare/Rambling

School started today!  Well, I've back at work for a couple of days, but today was the first day for kids all over Wisconsin.  It was nice to see my students again.  Because I'm in such a small school district, I teach a lot of the kids each year when they are in 7th through 10th grade.  I really get to know them and it's fun to hear what they've been up to over the summer.  They get to know me personally too, and many of them were excited to hear about my summer with the baby. 

Evie has been doing very well at daycare the past few days.  She hasn't bitten anyone...not that I know of anyway...lol!  (See post below for more info.)  She has been eating and napping well, and she's been tuckered out each night too!!  Our daycare provider works out of her home, and she has Evie and three other little ones full time.  A few more kids are there after school each day too.  I think that Evie enjoys the time with the other kids, and I think she's been worn out from playing all day!

We really like our daycare, but sometimes I just have an unsettled feeling about it.  Don't misunderstand, she does a great job.  She is caring, experienced, a great mom to her own teenage daughters, but I always worry that something won't go quite right.  I'm a worrier to the core.  I worry about EVERYTHING, and having a child has made me an even bigger worrier. 

A few weeks ago I was having a mini-meltdown about Evie going back to daycare and M said, "You really won't be happy unless you are the only one taking care of her."  I was taken aback, but he's right.  No matter how great our babysitter is, I'll always feel guilty about leaving her and I'll wish that I was with her.  And honestly, what mother doesn't believe that she would take the best care of her own child???

 I'm fortunate that my job allows me the time that I have with Evie.  I'm also fortunate that I love my job.  I guess it's just the age-old struggle of a working mom.  Wherever I am, I will probably always feel like I'm supposed to be doing my other job.