Happy Birthday Evie! - A letter for your 2nd birthday

Dear Evie, mi hijita,

It's hard for me to believe that a year ago, you couldn't walk, you didn't talk much, your hair looked so short, you were still such a baby in so many ways.

Evie with my mom on her first birthday

Now, you are a toddler to the core.  You don't just walk, you run, you climb, you do somersaults while watching Olympic gymnastics...  And boy, do you talk.  You've inherited that trait from both of your parents, although we'll both blame the other if asked.

One of my favorite pics from the past year...telling the world what she thinks

You've even become a little world traveler.  I'm so proud of how you adapted to a different way of life, and a new language.  You made me so proud, and I hope that my travel bug wears off on you a little bit.  I'm going to need someone to go with me on my world adventures, and your dad has never been interested. 

Chasing some pigeons in a plaza in Barcelona

With me, overlooking Barcelona from El Parque Guell

The past year has been easier than the first in some ways, and more difficult in others.  Asserting your independence is part of growing up, and, as your mom, I am going to struggle with that at times.  But I wouldn't trade a single temper tantrum for the ability to have a conversation with you, or to hold your hand walking into the grocery store.

"Talking" on the phone.  Around Halloween last year

You amaze me every day.  I think that I couldn't love you more, but then you imitate how your dad puts on deodorant, or how I talk on the phone, and I melt all over again.  Each moment is something new and exciting and I am honored and thrilled to share it all with you.

Evie at her 2nd birthday party.
She picked put the Brewer cake...I was pushing for a big 2 with zoo animals.

The next year is going to bring some big changes.  You'll be a big sister soon, and I'm going to need your help every step of the way.  I worry all the time about how you'll handle this, but you never cease to surprise me.  I know you'll charge into the role, like you do with everything else, and you'll be fine.  ;)

I love you completely, and that will NEVER change.  

Love,
Mama

The Perks of Baby #2

Over the long weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time with my sister and my new niece.  My sister and I talk pretty much every day (often twice a day), so I know how everything has been going.  Our conversations have changed so much in the past 6 weeks.  She asks me about my experiences when Evie was Natalie's age, but I have a hard time giving her advice.  She will find her own way, and I don't want to pressure her or lead her away from what feels right.  It just takes time to learn your own maternal instinct. 

Of course, I keep thinking ahead.  I will know so much more when this baby is born in November than I knew when Evie was born.  More than anything else, I will be more confident in my own abilities as a mom.  :)

I was feeling so good about my now experienced outlook on motherhood that, a few weeks ago, I made a mental list of all of the things that are better with a second pregnancy.  

• I know that our current babysitter will be more than happy to take on our new little one.  It's such a relief to not have to think about looking for a new provider.  That's a whole lot of stress that I won't have.
• I've done the pregnancy thing before.  I am not worried about losing the baby every second.  The "is this normal?" questions are a lot fewer and farther between...actually I don't know if that's even crossed my mind at all.  
• I have given birth before.  I know that this is a tricky one, because many things could go wrong that didn't go wrong with Evie.  Evie's birth was an overall awesome experience.  I'm seeing the same OB, and going to the same hospital (it's been remodeled since Evie was born and now there are nicer post-partum rooms!!), so I'm hoping for the same luck.  
• I'm not afraid of maternity clothes.  I now know comfort is the key.  Who cares if I'm in maternity clothes before 22 weeks??  "OMG, I must be a cow."  <-- Yes, I really thought that when I was pregnant with Evie.  I think I just have other things to worry about now.  (By the way, those people still make me want to barf a little.)

The best part is knowing that absolutely nothing will go as I expect, but being ok with it this time.  When I was pregnant with Evie and I dreamed of what she would be like, I was way off.  She is more energetic, rambunctious, outgoing, friendly, adorable, sassy, and amazing than I ever could have imagined.  This child will be too.  And I get to experience it all over again.

P.S.  If you like what you've read, send a couple of votes my way!  :)

My niece is here!

My sister delivered a healthy baby girl last night at 9:04.  Natalie Mae weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces and is 20 inches long.  Mom and baby are both doing very well.  The baby is precious!!  She has chubby little cheeks and looks like my brother-in-law.  My sister's labor was overall pretty easy.  She didn't make much progress at first considering that she had been 3 cm for the past few weeks.  But she went from 6 cm to delivering a baby in 2 and a half hours, so the end was quick.  Total, she was in labor for about 13 hours.

I was able to sneak up to the hospital for about 20 minutes before my doctor's appointment this morning.  (More to come on that tomorrow!)  After school, M and Evie met me at the hospital again so that Evie could meet her new cousin.  She was very interested in the baby.  She thought it was cool to touch her hand and give her a kiss.  After she touched her, she would stand back and say, "oooooohhhh!!!" and make this adorable excited/surprised face.  It was awesome to see her interact with a baby like that.  It was an interesting preview to what we will see in November.  :)

I could not be happier for my sister and her husband.  This baby was about 18 months in the making, and that was even before conception.  As an outsider, seeing their struggles in trying to conceive broke my heart.  She lost faith so many times.  Some days I think she hated me for being optimistic, but I couldn't ever lose hope that someday she would be a mom.  Last night, their dreams and all of my prayers for them came true.

Some Big Changes

M and I have been talking for quite a while about moving.  We live about 25 minutes from the town where I teach, and about 35 minutes from where M works.  I never thought that I would want to live in the same town as I teach, but it seems awfully convenient these days.  If we moved to "school town," M's commute would also be shorter by about 10 - 15 minutes. 

"School town" is VERY small; the population is around 2000.  I've taught there for almost 7 years, and I feel like a townie.  I run into people I know every where I go.  I love the sense of community, but I don't want my students (or their parents) to catch me buying tampons (or copious amounts of wine/liquor) at the grocery store. 

Then there's where Evie would attend school.  Our current town has a great school system.  I know that she would receive a good education here.  School town also has great schools (ahem..I work there! j/k), but I would eventually have Evie in class.  I make up 3/4 of my department.  (The other teacher teaches Spanish half of his day, and social studies the other half.)  If my teaching assignment remained unchanged, I would have Evie in 7th - 10th grades....just about the time she'll probably want nothing to do with me. 

However, these cons are outweighed by the fact that gas prices keep rising, and more than anything, M and I are just sick of the drive.  We would have a greater network of people that we can count on in school town.  My students provide endless babysitting, and I'm very close to many of the other teachers who live there.

In the wake of other big changes in our life, I think it's time to make this big change too.  We're not in any hurry, but we're going to begin exploring our options to sell our house, and **hopefully** build a house in the town where I teach.  Even if we moved after Evie began kindergarten, Wisconsin allows "school choice" so that she could attend my district while we still lived in our current district. 

Leaving our current town will not be easy.  M and I have lived here almost our entire married life together.  But, I'm happy that we've made this decision.  Any bumps in the road will be worth the convenience, and especially worth the extra support of living closer to good friends. 

I Won the "In-Law Lottery!"

M often jokes that I won the in-law lottery because his family is so awesome.  I have to admit that he's probably right.  As far as in-laws go, mine are pretty great.  M's parents are still together (40 years this year!), and he has two older brothers that are very close to his age, and a younger sister who is 7 years younger than him.  His oldest brother is married and has 3 kids (the youngest is only 6 weeks older than Evie), and his other brother and sister aren't married, but they are in long-term relationships with their significant others for about 5 years. 

The first time I met his mom, I was totally freaked out.  I wanted to make a good impression, and  I barely spoke.  I figured if I didn't say much, I couldn't put my foot in my mouth (which I often do).  His whole family thought that I was very shy, even though that is not me at all.  Over time, I warmed up to them when I realized they are the most laid back, non-judgmental people I've ever met. 

M's older brothers and dad are all jokers.  They love to have a few beers and "tell stories."  Usually this means repeating the same stories that they've been telling for the past decade.  M's dad is not the type of guy who tells you what he's feeling very often, but when he does, it means that much more.  When we called to tell them that we had gotten engaged, M's mom and dad both wanted to talk to me.  M's dad told me that he couldn't wait to have me as a new daughter.  I still tear up when I think about it.  M couldn't believe he actually said that.   

M's mom is probably my favorite of the family.  She is also a teacher, so we have a lot in common.  She will be retiring at the end of this school year after teaching 1st grade for 30 years.  (I have NO idea how she does it!!!!)  She is so supportive of her own kids, and also of her children's spouses/partners.  When M and I announced that we were pregnant with Evie, everyone was a little surprised.  I was teaching full time, coaching during the fall and winter seasons, and only about a 1/4 of the way done with my master's degree coursework.  She said that she thought we'd wait until I finished my master's degree.  I told her that we just wanted to have a baby so badly that we couldn't wait.  She just said, "It's alright.  I know you will do great!" 

I really do love them for all of their quirkiness and for how genuine they all are.  They have always made me feel like I am a member of their family.  It would be difficult not having this sort of relationship with my husband's family.  I really did win the "lottery."

Family, etc.

I grew up very close to my mom's extended family.  My mom has 3 sisters and 1 brother, and they all still live on the same street as each other.  My grandparents live there too.  My parents even live in the house where my mom grew up; they bought it from my grandparents when I was 10.

My mom has always been close to all of her siblings, and they were always around, so their kids were too.  Some of my cousins are more like siblings than cousins to me.  I feel fortunate that I have such a great extended family, and I could as easily call my aunts for advice as I could call my own mom.

Even though I had this great example of sibling closeness, I knew that I wasn't going to stick around the town where I grew up.  Once I graduated high school, I was OUTTA THERE!!  I went to college in the "big city" (Madison) a few hours away, and I've stayed in this area ever since.  I had the typical small town teen angst, and I didn't realize at the time that I had a pretty cool, unique experience. 

At this point in my life, I don't see myself ever moving back.  I am very happy with my life here.  This is where I'm meant to be.  Sometimes it makes me sad though.  Evie will never live down the street from her cousins.  She won't have pajama pizza parties at her aunt's house or go to swimming lessons jammed in the backseat of the car with 5 other kids.  (That's right...two kids to a seat belt!  You'd probably be arrested for doing that nowadays!  Lol!!)  She won't know what it's like to be annoyed by more people than just her siblings, or to have her aunt meddling in her business.  (That was totally warranted too...I was a mischievous teenager for a while...)

One of my sisters and her husband moved to a town about 15 minutes from our house last summer.  I was so excited to have family close by again, but her husband recently took another job closer to my parents, and she will be moving there once the school year is done.  (She is also a teacher...and she's also the pregnant one.)  It's their choice and I'm understand why they want to be closer to our extended family with a baby on the way, but some days I can't get over how much it hurts that she's moving away from me again. 

I just want Evie to know that she has the big extended network of people who love her, the way that I always knew that I did (even when I hated that I did).  They are still there, just a 3 hour car trip away.  Maybe I need to tell myself that, as much as I need her to know that too. 

Resolutions - Month 2

I can't believe that February came and went so quickly.  I feel like I just wrote my first resolution update yesterday, but it was over a month ago.  And it hardly seems like two months have past since I first wrote my New Year's resolutions. 

February was a crazy month for me.  I was at school 12+ hours a day on many occasions.  That's what parent/teacher conferences, working on a teacher leadership group presentation for the school board, and planning a trip abroad for students will do to you...oh yeah, and just trying to keep up with my kids on a daily basis!!  ;)  However, even with all of the time I spent away from home, I don't think I did all too badly.  I'm sure you'll see where I slacked...

• Weight loss - Still down 4 pounds, but that's all.  The first thing to go when I got busy was my gym routine that I've had since November.  At least I didn't gain anything back...Gotta look at the bright side, right?!?!?!
• Being a better organizer/housekeeper - This has been pretty easy actually.  I'm in a great routine, and M is helping me out a lot.  I feel so much more together now!!
• Spending more quality time with M - I was embarrassed that I did so poorly at this in January, especially when I found out that M read my update on February 1 where I admitted that I did a terrible job at keeping this resolution.  I am HAPPY to say that I think I made up for it in February.  We were home a lot more this month, which made it much easier.  We also hired a babysitter on TWO separate occasions so that we could get out together: once for a Badger Hockey game that M won tickets to, and once for a friend's birthday party.  It was so nice to hang out together more again.  I think it's just what we needed!
• Making more quality time for myself - I feel like I put myself on the back burner a little more this month, but partially because of all of my work obligations.  When I'm not getting home until 7:00 or 8:00, then frantically trying to spend a minute or two with Evie before bed, then picking up around the house, saying hi to M, and thinking about maybe working out (see weight loss goal, I only thought about working out...), sleep became my "me" time.  March is a lot less busy, and the first week of April is spring break.  It will be easier to take care of myself this month.  

I feel like I can keep 3 of my 4 resolutions without really trying, but there is always something that doesn't seem to fit.  Even though I'm not reaching the level I'd like to each month, I really do feel better about myself.  I just have to keep working at it.  I know that simply by trying, I'm better for my family, my job, and myself!!  

One & done?

It seems like baby fever is everywhere lately.  Some good friends from college just had their second in January.  My sister is expecting her first in April.  Two acquaintances that I see about once a month are both pregnant with their second child.  Two of my co-workers (both of whom are close friends of mine) are currently trying to conceive.  It's no secret that the thought of a second child has crossed our minds in the past few months (see here or here), but I haven't really been on board with the whole idea.

Back when M and I were first married, and we talked about having kid(s) someday,  kid(s) was always plural.  My sisters are my two best friends, and I can't imagine what my life would be like if I were an only child.  M has two older brothers and a younger sister, so the idea of being an only child is foreign to him too. 

BUT....now that I have Evie, I honestly wonder how I could ever have another child. I don't know if it's against the "mommy blogger code" to admit this or not: I don't know if I could love another child the way that I love Evie.  It scares the crap out of me to think about it.  Evie is my world, how do I divide that to include another child?  How could I take anything away from her?

It's hard for me to explain what I mean.  I want everything to be fair, and I worry that I wouldn't be able to do it.  I never want to deny Evie anything because "the baby needs us right now."  I'm probably over-thinking this...or I have weird resentment issues or something because I'm the oldest. 

Is "one & done" right for our family??  I have been wondering this a lot lately.  I am not committed to the idea of having only one child any more than I'm committed to the idea of having a second child.  Some days I think our family is complete.  Other days I think about how much I want M to have the son that he's always wanted. I suppose only time will tell...

Light at the end of the tunnel

At the end of the year, I was pretty depressed.  I don't think that I was taking care of myself very well.  I was mad at M all the time.  I didn't have any patience for Evie.  I was probably not very much fun to be around.  I hid out at my parent's house for 6 days over my Christmas break. 

One of the days that I was there, Evie wouldn't take a nap for me.  I put her down (screaming) in the pack and play in the guest bedroom, and came out sobbing because I had failed as a parent.  My mom was the only other person home at the time.  She told me that it wouldn't hurt Evie to let her cry for a few minutes, and that I should just take a break.  My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, but that day, she said what I needed to hear.

She went back to the room and managed to put Evie down for her nap without a sound (figures!), and then she sat down and talked to me.  She told me to relax, which didn't help at all.  Then she asked me, "Do you even enjoy your life anymore?"  It sounds harsh to say it like that, but I think she was right.  I didn't enjoy my life at all for the last few months of 2011.  I was just getting by, and everyone in my life was suffering because of it.  I didn't enjoy anything that I used to.  Honestly, I didn't even enjoy spending time with M or Evie. Everything I did seemed to be just another chore.

She really made me think.  I'm still thinking about it.  It's not like everything was completely better over night.  I'm still battling this day to day.  I have considered seeking professional help, but I feel like I'm beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  M has been incredibly supportive through all of this.  I've really focused on taking more time to take care of myself...I've been working out more, eating better, and trying not to feel guilty about letting M (and others who offer to help) do more. 

I don't ever want to live my life angry all the time.  I don't want to make M or Evie feel like they are not enough for me.  I hope that this dark period has passed for good. 

Our love story

I found this questionnaire at From Mrs. to Mama by way of Country is a State of Mind.  I thought that it was a fun one, so I decided to fill it out.  You can link up with From Mrs. to Mama through today!!  Have fun!

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

For 10 and a half years.  We met in July of 2001, and we were an official couple by the end of August!

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}

We met at a party.  I was at his college visiting some friends from high school who also went to that school.  One of my friends was dating one of his roommates, so we went to their house to hang out.  We started talking and the next thing we knew the sun was coming up...I guess we clicked from the beginning!

  

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell}

We've been married for 6 years, since October 1, 2005.

 

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding?  If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small?

We were married at a state historical park in Green Bay in an old-fashioned chapel originally built in 1832.  Our reception was at a banquet hall in Green Bay.  It was an average size wedding (about 200 guests).

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

Nope, no fun nicknames.  He usually calls me "Babe" but that's about it.  

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

I love how he cares about our daughter.  I love how he makes me feel special.  Most importantly, I love how he always tries to make me laugh...even when I'm ragingly angry at him. 

 

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal?

He proposed in our first apartment together after we graduated from college.  I got home one Friday afternoon, and he followed me around the place while I was trying to change clothes, etc.  I was wondering why he was acting so strangely.  I sat down to watch TV and he got down on one knee in front of me on the couch.  I was thoroughly confused until he pulled out the ring!!  ;)

 

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

None of the above.  He is a "buy you a ridiculously stupid card that has nothing to do with V-day, but write a really sweet message to make up for it" kind of guy. 

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

None of the above.  I'm a "go out for dinner and drinks" kind of girl.  

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?
I'd like to spend a sunny day driving around Grant County, WI like we used to in college.   He took me down all of the back roads, and we stopped at all of the historical markers and climbed the big "M."  

World's Largest letter "M."  Near Platteville, WI - Bet you didn't know that existed...

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day.

Eating a nice dinner, playing with Evie, and hanging out after she goes to bed.

 

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?

Nope, just to hang out together!  :)

 

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love.
 Keep trying to make each other feel special...doing special things for them.  It doesn't have to be a big gesture, but something that is sincere and comes from the heart. 

14.  Show us a picture of what love means to you.

I have a few...

Visiting Door County in August 2003...we'd been together about 2 years

Our wedding day.

The best one of all...the first time M held Evie. 

 

Resolutions - 1 month in

At the beginning of January I wrote a list of 4 goals to work at in 2012.  It's one month later, and I've actually been doing pretty well.  I thought that writing a follow-up post would help keep me honest.

So, here are my results:

• Weight loss: I'm officially down 4 pounds from January 3rd.  That is about halfway to my goal of losing 9 pounds. I've been watching what I eat and I've been working out a lot more.  I joined the gym in town back in November, and I've been going to step classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and  Saturdays.  I've been walking/running on the treadmill on the other days after Evie goes to bed.  It's become a habit and I'm really noticing a difference.
• Staying organized: I've been keeping up on housework much better.  M has been helping by staying out of my way (and keeping Evie out of my way) every Sunday so that I can put the house in order for the upcoming week.  That way, I just have to spot check throughout the week.  It's been working for us, and I feel a lot better about coming home to a de-cluttered house.
• Making more time for myself:  I actually feel like I've been doing pretty well with this.  I thought that this would be the hardest one for me to keep, but going to workout is a total stress reliever for me, and I feel better about myself for doing it.  So, I guess exercising has killed two birds with one stone!
• Making more time for M: I'm embarrassed to admit that this is the goals that I've had the hardest time with.  We've been out of town for 5 of the last 6 weekends, and that really cuts into the amount of time that M and I spend together. When we're around, we stay up "late" (10:30, alert the authorities!!!) and watch TV and just hang out together.  It may be a little lame, but I look forward to it.  Things will settle down here in February, and I'm hoping to have a better report about this goal at the beginning of March.  

Most people don't keep their resolutions past January 31, so I just have to keep plugging away at it.  Writing them on here has helped.  It's always in the back of my mind.  ;)

Check Out My Guest Post!

I have the honor of guest posting at "Educating Miss Amber" today!!

Amber is getting married on Saturday and I thought it would be fun to share all of the wonderful (and maybe not-so-wonderful) advice you received before your wedding.  

Head on over to her site to leave some great tips or to just wish her well on her big day!!

So I never make resolutions....

That's not entirely true.  I usually make New Year's resolutions, but only in my head, so there is no fear of ridicule if I don't follow through.

Well this year will be different.  I am announcing my resolutions publicly in hopes that it will help me follow through.  Resolutions are really just goals in my opinion.  I'm good about keeping goals in my professional life, but it's time to make a few changes in my personal life.  

So, here are a few of the things I'd like to accomplish in 2012:

• Lose 9 pounds - I'll start with the one that's totally cliché.  This is the amount of weight I gained since I began cutting back on breastfeeding Evie in September.  Nine pounds is not life altering, but my jeans will fit much better without it, and I know what I have to do to lose it....(EAT. LESS. FOOD.) 
• Keep my house in better shape - We're not dirty, just cluttered...I'd like to become uncluttered in 2012.  
• Spend more quality time with M - We hit a rough patch through late fall and things are definitely better, but I don't want us to go through that again.  
• Spend more quality time with myself - I am the classic case of "mother must do everything for her child and forget that her needs exist."  It's taken a toll on my mental health (and my marriage, see above) in the past few months.  I am going to take people up on their offers to help out and I'm not going to stress about it.  This goal will definitely be the hardest one for me to keep, but probably the most important one too. 

 So there you have it.  I think that I might write a few check-in posts about these, just to keep myself honest.  2011 was a year of crazy ups and downs at our house.  I was 2012 to be more ups than downs.  I think that these goals will help make that happen.

Of course, everyone is determined on January 2nd.  ;)

Does anyone out there make resolutions?  Have you ever kept them??

Gingersnaps a la Grandma K

My Grandma K passed away in the summer of 2004.  She was bound to a wheelchair from the time she was about 60 years old until she passed away when she was 76.  Obviously this made it difficult for her to get around.  My grandpa was 10 years older than her, so it was difficult for him to get her around too.  Spending so much time at home, she devoted herself to baking some the best cookies to ever grace this earth.

When I was at college, she would bake some cookies and put them in the freezer for when I came home.  Using her great-depression era sensibility, nothing ever went to waste and some of her cookie concoctions were a little unorthodox.  (Ever heard of chocolate chip and hickory nut cookies?  Or peanut butter walnut cookies?)  If she had it in the kitchen, she could find a way to put it in a cookie.

She did stick to a recipe every once in a while, and this time of the year it was usually gingersnaps.  After she died, my aunt took her recipe cards, and made copies for anyone who was interested.  This is the only one I've ever attempted, and it usually turns out ok.  Of course, when I made them last weekend, I forgot to set a timer and I burned them.  Oh well, I'm sure my grandma would have eaten them anyway...or at least guilted my grandpa and all of us kids into eating them.  ;)

Here is the recipe and few pictures of yet ANOTHER (see here, here, and here) baking fiasco in my kitchen.

The recipe says to roll them out and cut into gingerbread men,
but I usually just roll them into balls and coat them with white sugar. 

¼ boiling water

½ cup brown sugar

½ cup molasses

½ cup shortening

3 cups of flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp ground ginger

½ tsp nutmeg

Mix the dry ingredients and set aside.

Pour water over shortening.  (I usually just heat up the water in the microwave)  Add sugar and molasses to water and shortening.  Mix well.  Add dry ingredients.  Chill dough.   

Roll out thin and cut into gingerbread men.

Bake at 375 for 20 minutes (I'd keep close eye on them after about 12 minutes though..unless you like them crispy)

Burnt gingersnaps.  I'm sure my grandma is just happy that I tried.  :)

Getting my priorities straight

I was cruising the headlines on Yahoo! and I found this article, Loving the Husband More Than the Kids is Key to Good Life.  I am a sucker for relationship-related articles, and this obviously piqued my interest.  The author supports putting your husband ahead of your kids as crucial to a happy family.  Often, women feel that they must put their children ahead of their spouses (and themselves) to prove to the judgmental world of other women/mothers that they have their priorities "straight."  It's all supposed to be about the kids, right??  She says that if women put their marriage ahead of their children, the whole family will be happier in the long run. 

As a mother/teacher/human being, it's been driven into me that the kids (my students, the starving children of Africa, my own child, etc.) have to come first or I will be a bad person.  Obviously, my child is important; I'd do pretty much anything if I knew that it would help her.  Most of us probably feel that way, right?  DUH!  I'm not promoting leaving your kid to cry in his/her crib in a dirty diaper so that you and your husband can have a quiet dinner, but I do think that creating couple time is essential to a happy family.

As much as I believe that, M and I have been doing a pretty poor job lately.  Before Evie was born, I thought that our first year of marriage was the most difficult.  And it was difficult.  We had lived together before we got married, but something about making it legal changed things for us.  We weren't always very considerate of each other, and we had to find our groove.

About a month after our first anniversary, we were out for dinner one night, and we were laughing and having a great time.  I looked at him and it hit me that we had gotten past the rocky, newlywed period.  I said, "Being married to you is really fun."  He said that he thought so too, and from then on, it was the two of us: married and loving it!!

Of course, we both knew that having a baby would change our relationship, but I didn't think it would take us this long to find our groove again.  I still love being married to M.  He is my best friend, my biggest supporter, the only person I want to talk to about my biggest dreams, and my biggest fears.  After Evie is grown up and living her own life, he's the one I still want to be with. 

Reading that article really made think.  Who have I been putting first?  Have I been giving so much to Evie that I don't have anything left for M?  How must that make him feel???  I showed him the article, and we had a long talk about it.  I hope that it changes the way we think about our family.  I want Evie to learn what a loving marriage looks like, and I want to start putting M first.

I thought it would be different

In the past, I've alluded to my rocky relationship with my mom, but lately it's been worse.  I have no reason to feel major angst towards her, she was not abusive, neglectful, selfish, unreasonable, or in any way a bad mother.  We just don't really ever see eye to eye.

When I was in high school, it was at its worst.  Obviously, that's not unusual; many teenagers and parents don't get along.  When I went to college, something changed.  In high school, we never really just talked.  My freshman year of college, we could talk on the phone for 30 - 45 minutes without any awkwardness.  I was so happy that I finally had the relationship with my mom that I had always wanted.  It just took time, and maturity on my part. As time went on, we've slipped back into our old roles though.  It's hard to just talk to her most days.  I feel like we don't have much in common, and I feel like she's very judgmental of me and M. 

While I was pregnant I hoped that becoming a mother would bring me and my mom closer again.  I've been disappointed that it hasn't.  I want to be able to talk to her about anything and everything.  We're both part of the "mom" club now.  We've both given birth, dealt with newborn sleep deprivation and colicky babies, and been through all of those rites of passage that come with having a baby.

But nothing has changed.  Some days it bugs me more than others.  I wish that I could just get over it and realize that she and I will never have that mother/daughter "best friend" type of relationship.  It's hard because I think deep down, we both want that.  We're just too different to know how to create that relationship with each other. 

I could delve into all of the ways this scares me about my future relationship with my own daughter, but that's another post for another day.  I should feel lucky that my mom is still in my life, a lot of people don't have that.  I need to take our relationship for whatever it's worth, and try to develop the best relationship I can with my own daughter.

Football Widow? No, I have a child to distract me.

I saw this in the paper today, and I couldn't help but relate.

"Real Life Adventures" Comic Strip from 11/5/11

 M loves football.  It goes beyond the usual "fan" and become fanaticism.  He will watch any game, big or small, whether or not he cares about the teams.  He likes some teams better than others (Miami and *obviously* Wisconsin for college teams, and Philadelphia and Green Bay for NFL), but overall as long as it's football, he'll watch it.  

Most of the time, this doesn't bother me.  Before I married him I knew that I would not have control of the remote from the Saturday morning ESPN Gameday coverage through the Monday night football game.  But some days....aaaarrrrrgggghhh!!!

It's become a joke between us and our families that I'm technically single from late August through early February.    My brother-in-law even got me this as a gift for Christmas when he had my name a few years ago.

It's a decorative throw pillow.
BARF!!!

On days like today, when I'd rather slowly drive a dull pencil into my eye socket than watch even one more play, it's nice to have a child around to distract me.  It was a gorgeous day outside, so Evie and I took a long walk with the dog.  I also caved and gave her one of her Christmas presents.  (She'll never know that today isn't Christmas.  ;)  Right??)

Crayola Adventure Dome Child Kids Play Tunnel Tent Giga...

I really just wanted to see her play in it, and M wasn't around to stop me.  She loved it!  Tomorrow, while M is watching MORE football, Evie and I are going shopping.  She needs some news shoes for winter, and I need some new sunglasses because she broke my last pair.

I'm sure we'll have another fun mommy/daughter day!!

My Hopes and Dreams

Evie,
My hopes and dreams for you are pretty simple:

I hope that you always follow your heart and listen to your gut.

I hope that you have big dreams.

I hope that you keep your innocent sense of humor as long as possible...don't become too jaded too soon.

I hope that your never settle.  You can do anything you set your mind to.

Most of all, I hope that you are happy....whatever happiness means for you.  Your dad and I will be there for you every step of the way.  If you fall down, screw up, or just have a bad day, you can always count on us to listen and help in any way that we can. 

We love you so much!!





P.S.  This topic reminds me of Tina Fey's "The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter" from her book Bossypants.

Here is an excerpt:

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.  Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For Childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers, And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes Lord, That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M. all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck.  "My mother did this for me."  And delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget.  But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen

The Resentment

Since Evie was born, I feel like M and I have had our highest highs and our lowest lows as a couple.  I'm fortunate to say that the highs have been more frequent than the lows.  Some days I just feel like we never see eye to eye anymore.  I know that both of us are to blame for these days, but it's easy to get caught up in the resentment.

During the summer I was surprised to find that I was more resentful of him when I had been home with Evie all day.  I think that I felt guilty that I couldn't do it all by myself.  I didn't want to ask him for help because he had been at his "real" job all day, and I was at home "doing nothing."  He never said that to me...not EVER.  I think I felt that way.  I thought that since I was home all day, I should always have everything under control.  The house should be spotless, supper should be on the table, and Evie should be stimulated and educationally entertained all day.  (This HUGE amount of stress and responsibility is one of the reasons I know I couldn't be a full time stay at home mom.) 

I was resentful that he had been at work all day without that self-inflicted stress.  If I felt like he even hinted at the fact that something around the house hadn't been done during the day (which I don't think he ever actually did), I flew off the handle!

Now that I'm back at school, I become frustrated when he is home from work by himself for hours before me, and then is angry when I ask him to do stuff for me at night.  I feel like he needs (and gets) so much more "me" time than I do.  I feel guilty asking for any time to myself at all, and I feel like he should feel that way too.  I know that this is not uncommon, but as a couple, we haven't found a way to work it out yet.  

It's another one of those things that you can't be prepared for before you have a child.  I know that we'll make it.  We both just have to work at it.

Six Years

Six years ago today, I married my best friend.  

Our wedding day was a beautiful autumn day.  It was warm for this time of year, and it was very sunny.  

We got married at a chapel in a historical park in Green Bay.  It was the first church built in Green Bay in the early 1800s.

In between the ceremony and the reception, we went to Lambeau Field with our wedding party.  

Our first dance was "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw(which is also the source of the name of my blog).

Everyone ate, drank, and danced the night away!  

It was an amazing day, 
but everything that has come after that has been the best part.