I thought it would be different

In the past, I've alluded to my rocky relationship with my mom, but lately it's been worse.  I have no reason to feel major angst towards her, she was not abusive, neglectful, selfish, unreasonable, or in any way a bad mother.  We just don't really ever see eye to eye.

When I was in high school, it was at its worst.  Obviously, that's not unusual; many teenagers and parents don't get along.  When I went to college, something changed.  In high school, we never really just talked.  My freshman year of college, we could talk on the phone for 30 - 45 minutes without any awkwardness.  I was so happy that I finally had the relationship with my mom that I had always wanted.  It just took time, and maturity on my part. As time went on, we've slipped back into our old roles though.  It's hard to just talk to her most days.  I feel like we don't have much in common, and I feel like she's very judgmental of me and M. 

While I was pregnant I hoped that becoming a mother would bring me and my mom closer again.  I've been disappointed that it hasn't.  I want to be able to talk to her about anything and everything.  We're both part of the "mom" club now.  We've both given birth, dealt with newborn sleep deprivation and colicky babies, and been through all of those rites of passage that come with having a baby.

But nothing has changed.  Some days it bugs me more than others.  I wish that I could just get over it and realize that she and I will never have that mother/daughter "best friend" type of relationship.  It's hard because I think deep down, we both want that.  We're just too different to know how to create that relationship with each other. 

I could delve into all of the ways this scares me about my future relationship with my own daughter, but that's another post for another day.  I should feel lucky that my mom is still in my life, a lot of people don't have that.  I need to take our relationship for whatever it's worth, and try to develop the best relationship I can with my own daughter.

Top 5 of the Week

I've seen this on a few blogs that I frequent, and I thought I'd give it a try.

Here are my top 5 laughs/moments of the week:

5. Evie was walking around the kitchen with a dish towel.  She has been into hiding behind things and then "jumping" out and saying boo.  She did this several times with the dish towel as she was walking around the kitchen.  I was sitting at the table, and she was walking towards me.  She put the towel in front of her face just in time to walk into my chair.  She fell on her butt, pulled the towel down and said, "Boo."  M and I both laughed hysterically that the fall didn't ruin her concentration, and she was still able to "scare" me.

4. Watching as M put Evie in her snow pants for the first time.  I'm not a huge fan of winter, but it's coming whether we like it or not!

3. Seeing the final results of my students' video projects for El Cid.  They did a great job!!!  Teaching amazes me every day, and seeing my students excel is the reason I keep going when it feels like the whole world is down on my profession. 

2. Hanging out with M...just hanging out.  He is my best friend, and sometimes life gets in the way and we forget that.  He won me over by making me laugh, and now I love it when he makes me and Evie laugh together.

1. Seeing Evie blow kisses for the first time.  Seriously, how awesome is that!?!?!!?

Enjoying the Present

I have never been the type of person who could just enjoy the present.  I have always thought, "I can't wait until _____." Or, "It used to be so much better when ________."

I hate to admit it, but I've caught myself doing the same thing with Evie on many occasions.  When she was a newborn/very, very little, I would catch myself thinking, "it will be better when she doesn't cry all the time."  "It will be better when she sleeps through the night."  Etc, etc, etc.  I was jealous of moms whose babies were 6, 8, 10 months old.  I figured they didn't have to worry about all of the stuff that I was worrying about.

Evie at 4 months.  How could I have ever wished she would just get older?!?!?!

Of course, when Evie reached those ages I realized that those moms just had other things to worry about.  Now, Evie is going on 16 months, and I find myself looking at the little babies who aren't running away, attempting to pull everything off of store shelves, and throwing tantrums and I'm still jealous of the 6/8/10 month old mommies.  Only now, it's in hindsight and I'm wondering where that time went.  (Ok, she's not that bad, but some days....) 

9 months old.  She still puts her socks in her mouth like that.  :)

Sometimes the "wishing for the future" is really just wondering what it will be like.  I look out of my classroom window and see all of the elementary school kids on the playground at recess and wonder what Evie will be like when she's that age.  I stop and I smile thinking of her as sassy 3rd grader playing on the swings with her friends.  I beam as I picture her playing jump rope in her snow suit. 

Earlier this week.

I wish that I was better at fully immersing myself in the moment.  As much as the tantrums (which are growing in intensity and frequency these day) are frustrating, Evie will only be this age once.  I love her at this age, and I love all of the things we can do now that seemed like a dream only 6 months ago.  We're teaching her new words, and watching her walk all over the house.  She hugs us back, and blows us kisses.  Right now is what it's really all about.  Every day truly is amazing.

Wordless Wednesday - Goofing Around

We didn't do much over the weekend.  Sunday, Evie and I went on a shopping excursion to escape M's football bonanza.  Other than that, we just spent the day goofing around.  I love relaxing weekends.  :)

Trying on snow pants.  We're supposed to get 1 - 2" today. 
I love Wisconsin, really, I do. 

I'm ready for my close-up!

Posing for the camera...as usual.

Mom, I can do it...let me have the camera!!

No, really.  Give me the camera. 

Baking Wonderful-ness

I have been baking up a storm lately. I think it's just this time of year that puts me in the mood to bake.  In the last three weeks, I've made Red Velvet Brownies with White Chocolate Icing, two loaves of banana bread, a loaf of bread in the bread machine, rhubarb muffins, and this weekend, my project was Cookie Dough Brownies.

I should have written about the "red" velvet brownies as another baking disaster.  I ran out of red food coloring, so I just put in all of the colors that I had.  They turned out a sort of greenish-black.  M said they looked "like calf shit...and I don't know if the calf was healthy."  Of course, he was raised on a farm and would know what that looked like.  I just took his word for it.  Food coloring doesn't affect the taste, and they were wonderful!!  (Bad blogger...I didn't take pictures!)

The cookie dough brownies, which I found through a crafty/recipe blog hop, turned out great!!  As I'm typing this, I'm biting into my 19384745756th brownie since I made them yesterday.  They took a little effort to make, but it was TOTALLY worth it.  ;)

That's right, they have a layer of brownie on the bottom, a layer of cookie dough (no eggs, totally safe), and then a chocolate glaze on top.

M and I have finished off half the pan since yesterday afternoon.  I'm a little ashamed of us, but it's getting closer to the holidays, and calories don't count during the holidays, right!?!?!?

Oh well, I'll bring some to school tomorrow to spread my caloric intake to others.  Teachers are like vultures for sweets.

Here's the recipe for anyone else who wants to participate in some pre-holiday gluttony with me!!

Found at Chef in Training

COOKIE DOUGH BROWNIES

• 1 cup butter
• 2 cups sugar
• 4 eggs
• 1-1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 cup cocoa
• 1-1/3 cups flour
• 1/2 tsp salt

Filling:

• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

Glaze:

• 2 cups milk chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons shortening
• 3/4 cups walnuts, optional

Cream butter and sugar together.  Add eggs and blend well.  Add vanilla, salt, cocoa, and flour.  Don't over-beat.  Pour into a greased 9x13 pan.  Bake at 350 F for 20-25 minutes or until done.  Cool completely.

For filling, in a large bowl, cream butter and sugars until light & fluffy. Beat in milk and vanilla. Gradually beat in flour. Stir in mini chocolate chips. Spread over brownies (works best to just press out with clean hands.); chill until firm.

For glaze, in a microwave safe bowl, melt chocolate chips and shortening in 30 second intervals, stirring after each time, until smooth. Spread over filling. Immediately sprinkle with nuts, pressing down slightly.

Let glaze harden before cutting in.