At the end of the year, I was pretty depressed. I don't think that I was taking care of myself very well. I was mad at M all the time. I didn't have any patience for Evie. I was probably not very much fun to be around. I hid out at my parent's house for 6 days over my Christmas break.
One of the days that I was there, Evie wouldn't take a nap for me. I put her down (screaming) in the pack and play in the guest bedroom, and came out sobbing because I had failed as a parent. My mom was the only other person home at the time. She told me that it wouldn't hurt Evie to let her cry for a few minutes, and that I should just take a break. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship, but that day, she said what I needed to hear.
She went back to the room and managed to put Evie down for her nap without a sound (figures!), and then she sat down and talked to me. She told me to relax, which didn't help at all. Then she asked me, "Do you even enjoy your life anymore?" It sounds harsh to say it like that, but I think she was right. I didn't enjoy my life at all for the last few months of 2011. I was just getting by, and everyone in my life was suffering because of it. I didn't enjoy anything that I used to. Honestly, I didn't even enjoy spending time with M or Evie. Everything I did seemed to be just another chore.
She really made me think. I'm still thinking about it. It's not like everything was completely better over night. I'm still battling this day to day. I have considered seeking professional help, but I feel like I'm beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. M has been incredibly supportive through all of this. I've really focused on taking more time to take care of myself...I've been working out more, eating better, and trying not to feel guilty about letting M (and others who offer to help) do more.
I don't ever want to live my life angry all the time. I don't want to make M or Evie feel like they are not enough for me. I hope that this dark period has passed for good.