In the past, I've alluded to my rocky relationship with my mom, but lately it's been worse. I have no reason to feel major angst towards her, she was not abusive, neglectful, selfish, unreasonable, or in any way a bad mother. We just don't really ever see eye to eye.
When I was in high school, it was at its worst. Obviously, that's not unusual; many teenagers and parents don't get along. When I went to college, something changed. In high school, we never really just talked. My freshman year of college, we could talk on the phone for 30 - 45 minutes without any awkwardness. I was so happy that I finally had the relationship with my mom that I had always wanted. It just took time, and maturity on my part. As time went on, we've slipped back into our old roles though. It's hard to just talk to her most days. I feel like we don't have much in common, and I feel like she's very judgmental of me and M.
While I was pregnant I hoped that becoming a mother would bring me and my mom closer again. I've been disappointed that it hasn't. I want to be able to talk to her about anything and everything. We're both part of the "mom" club now. We've both given birth, dealt with newborn sleep deprivation and colicky babies, and been through all of those rites of passage that come with having a baby.
But nothing has changed. Some days it bugs me more than others. I wish that I could just get over it and realize that she and I will never have that mother/daughter "best friend" type of relationship. It's hard because I think deep down, we both want that. We're just too different to know how to create that relationship with each other.
I could delve into all of the ways this scares me about my future relationship with my own daughter, but that's another post for another day. I should feel lucky that my mom is still in my life, a lot of people don't have that. I need to take our relationship for whatever it's worth, and try to develop the best relationship I can with my own daughter.