Friday, October 28, 2011

The Resentment

Since Evie was born, I feel like M and I have had our highest highs and our lowest lows as a couple.  I'm fortunate to say that the highs have been more frequent than the lows.  Some days I just feel like we never see eye to eye anymore.  I know that both of us are to blame for these days, but it's easy to get caught up in the resentment.

During the summer I was surprised to find that I was more resentful of him when I had been home with Evie all day.  I think that I felt guilty that I couldn't do it all by myself.  I didn't want to ask him for help because he had been at his "real" job all day, and I was at home "doing nothing."  He never said that to me...not EVER.  I think I felt that way.  I thought that since I was home all day, I should always have everything under control.  The house should be spotless, supper should be on the table, and Evie should be stimulated and educationally entertained all day.  (This HUGE amount of stress and responsibility is one of the reasons I know I couldn't be a full time stay at home mom.) 

I was resentful that he had been at work all day without that self-inflicted stress.  If I felt like he even hinted at the fact that something around the house hadn't been done during the day (which I don't think he ever actually did), I flew off the handle!

Now that I'm back at school, I become frustrated when he is home from work by himself for hours before me, and then is angry when I ask him to do stuff for me at night.  I feel like he needs (and gets) so much more "me" time than I do.  I feel guilty asking for any time to myself at all, and I feel like he should feel that way too.  I know that this is not uncommon, but as a couple, we haven't found a way to work it out yet.  

It's another one of those things that you can't be prepared for before you have a child.  I know that we'll make it.  We both just have to work at it.

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Sarah [Nurse Loves Farmer] said...

Amen, sister. I've been thinking this a lot lately too. I feel guilty that if I'm at work...when my hubby is home all day (who, by the way, does nothing around the house unless I specifically ask) if I ask him to have supper ready for us! It's totally reasonable and he's never complained, but I feel like I have to do it all and that he doesn't get "it". We've definitely had the high/low thing. Kind of on a low right now!

basebell6 said...

my husband definitely doesnt expect supper or a clean house, nor do i expect it of myself [thank goodess!!]. but we definitely never had an arguement the 9 years before blaine was born and have definitely had several since [imagine your husband saying the doctor will call social services on you if your child doesnt gain weight, or put the child in the hospital!! yeah i flew off the handle]. i get mad too when he gets home from work late, travels excessively, and doesnt spend enough time when he's at home with blaine [first 2 are uncontrollables]. so i can totally relate to this post!!!!

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